I love my son. More than my own life. And I think I can speak for nearly every parent out there, that there is no love quite like this.
When my son was born, I immediately fell in love with him. I mean, I dived straight into it.. I never thought I would, but I did, and before I knew it, I was telling my son “I love you” like a million times a day.Fast forward nearly 4 years, and I have this evening, at about 9pm, realised, that as he gets older, I have begun saying “I love you” less and less…
Now I’m not saying that I actually love him less, it’s just I say it less and less..
Sid is an amazing kid. He is funny, and I mean insanely funny, he has a cheeky streak that I’ve never seen in anyone, he is Doogie Howser clever, he wears his heart on his sleeve, he loves his food, and he has a crazy amount of energy..
All that put together, means that as a parent, you’re actually doing quite a lot of boundary setting and for me and my wife, it takes up most of our time with Sid, when we could be playing more, chilling more with him.
As he gets older, I am beginning to realise, that he actually really pushes against the boundary really hard. The Rock/Vin Diesel hard, and I spend most of my day with him disciplining him. This is all time, that I would rather spend cuddling him, reading to him, watching TV with him, playing in the garden with him. But oooohhhh noooooo… I get to correct the lines, stop him from eating too much sweet stuff, encourage him to brush his teeth when the smell of toothpaste makes him wretch, and all of this with my wife who is in the same boat…
We’re getting to the point where he seems to really hate us, even though he really loves us and cant be away from us. But still, it seems like he hates us.
So my son, the love of my life, I do love him, but I’ve realised that I’m falling into the trap of saying “I love you” only when his behaviour is good, or I’ve had to discipline him for his unacceptable behaviour and we’re making up friends again.
So there it is.
Being a parent is hard work, and sometimes, when you think you’ve got the balance right, something else is thrown in your path to challenge your flow.
The impact this has on your relationship with your child is so challenging that you are forever reinventing yourself as a parent, and as a human being. You go through periods of wanting to tear your hair out when the relationship is tense, and then have to manage the fallout without acting like a dick in front of your impressionable child.
So LURRRVE…. back to my point… I think that when you have a boy, in the day and age we live in, it is important to tell him that you love him as much as possible. I don’t ever remember being told by my parents, even though I’m sure that they do love me. But that said, when kids need to feel that someone has their back, they will always go to the love positions, and while many people may occupy a position like that in their life, even at the age of 4, if you have put the effort in early on, they will always want your wings over them.
It’s a difficult realisation, that you as a parent, seem to be mirroring what you were dealt with as a child. I was always dead certain in my mind that I would do things differently.
It’s never too late to change.