Last night in told my wife how lucky we are that Sid sleeps through the night, and that we get to at least have some time to ourselves from around 7.30.
I was at that point immediately flooded with the emotional trauma and painful memories of the nights that Sid was up, through the night, and the constant battle with fatigue for about 7 months.
I was also reminded of all the graft during the days- all the food prep, the milk, dinners, house tidying, nappies, buying formula at 10pm from the co-op, eating crap takeaway at 11pm in between Sid falling asleep and then waking up again. Just so many memories.
And funnily enough, they’re all negative ones.
When did I move from loving my son, to just having bad memories and trauma from his early months?
What about the first time he said “hello”? Or the first time he grabbed my finger? Or the first time he crawled and then walked? Or the first time he said baba or muma?
Of all the beautiful memories, the ones that are more prominent in my mind are the negative ones. And these come out, when I’m thinking about whether or not to have a second one.
On a purely selfish note, I wouldn’t want one. I think it would be an absolute game changer if we did.
But in my heart I feel that Sid needs a sibling or two. The world can be a lonely place and you always need family.
So I have this dialogue within myself about whether to have a second child, it’s primarily between my heart and my brain.
It’s triggered pretty much everytime I see a newborn, or smell baby lotion, or see sid’s baby photos (damn this ridiculous amount of hormones in my system!)
It goes like this
Heart: ahhhh isn’t that an adorable baby…? I remember how Sid was at that age so adorable and …
Brain: dude are you high?
Heart: NOOO… but Sid smelled so nice,and he was so cuddly
Brain: Stop smoking your socks dude…
Heart: Hey you know what’s a good idea?
Heart: No… I think I want to have another one…
Brain: High as a kite …
Heart: but don’t you think Sid needs a sibling? Someone to play with, to cuddle, to look to for friendship? What happens when we aren’t here?
Heart: I’m telling you… We need a 4th musketeer..
Brain: you remember the movie right? Remember how much of a pain d’artanegn was to the 3 musketeer? He was an ass…!
Heart: but he made them cool…
Heart: let’s consider this… Remember how much fun we had making Sid…??
Heart: Dude …
Heart:GET YOUR HEAD TOGETHER MAN!
Brain: sorry … Good times… 😉
Heart: let’s give it some feeling … Have some hommones…!
Brain: dopamine? Serotonin?
Heart… You know I’m right … And you know I’ll win …