Sleep deprivation is torture on every level. I understand why it is used as a torture mechanism by governments. It hurts physically and mentally.
I mean, she’s still my drop dead smoking hot wife, but she’s an awesome mum to our son too.
It wasn’t all plain sailing though.
As we chose to breast feed Sid, getting rest was one thing that was a real struggle. Sid had a huge appetite and was hungrier at night.
We didn’t plan for this, nor the effect (obscenely detrimental effect) this would have on us.
We went through 10 months of Sid being a rough sleeper of which the first 5 he was up about 10-20 times a night. That eased off to about 8times a night and then by 8 months he was up 4 times a night. You can see where I’m going with this.
By month 1 I looked like this.
So without going into details of what we did to manage this … I thought I’d list a few things that we experienced during this time and things to warn future parents of.
- Slurred speech. Ever remember trying to get out a sentence in a coherent manner to your work colleagues to sound vaguely intelligent after having a glass or two of wine? Well this is the first phase of delerium. Only it doesn’t wear off. You only know shit’s got wierd when you ask your work colleague to hold you up in case you fall over a desk you didn’t know you were standing on, wearing trousers that don’t match your suit jacket.
- Waking up in the middle of a conference call you started at work and wondered where everyone was, then realising you weren’t on a conference call, you’re not at work, your phone is just stuck to the side of your face.
- Desi parents will always try and bring food over just to play with the baby and when you explicitly say “don’t wake the baby” you shout at them for waking the baby with their overly loud questioning at the front door “Sid asleep!!??”
- Getting random bruises from walking into things that you knew perfectly well were there but on this drunken state, may as well be invisible.
- Walking into the the microwave door whilst it was wide open head first forgetting that 10 seconds ago you left it open yourself
- Sleeping together no longer means “getting lucky” it literally means falling asleep together. Sex is no longer on the menu. Sleep is the dish of the day. Any day.
- Having one partner that is responsible for putting the baby to sleep means we’re literally ducked if that partner is away for a night.
- Slapping yourself in the face just to get through drinking your first cup of coffee. After the first one you’re not so bad.
- Regretting not using protection. Having suffered with sleep deprivation for months it was always a niggle in the back of my mind. What if? I would be sound asleep and happy. Instead, I have the antichrist as a child at night.
- You’ve used shaving gel for toothpaste. Only happens 4 or 5 times
- You fall asleep taking a number 2 which started as a number 1 only it moved in that direction.
- Stubbing your toes on anything while picking up/putting the baby to sleep and then cursing the baby.
- Getting to 13 points in this list and while forgetting that you only wanted 10
Yes people sleep deprivation from having kids is real and it will f you up hard. But honestly it is worth it.
After the first 12 months, unless you decide to have another one. Then you only have yourself to blame.