Tag Archives: travel

Things I’d Like my Son to Know 

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Lesson #3 – love your parents. Your first teachers. 

As I disciplined Sid following a Weetabix incident (all over the breakfast table) I got the whole “I dont love you daddy”, followed by 2 verses of “I’m not your friend, I don’t like you anymore”.

At this point I realised I have a 12 year old living with us, and I had fast-forwarded 10 years.

Oh crap, here come the teenage hormones.

I began to realise that unconditional love from a parent, as natural as it is, and as pure as it is, isn’t always reciprocated.

Sid is lucky.

He has two parents that love him.  Not all kids are that lucky.

I think to myself, as parents, we try to nurture, guide, encourage our kids to be the best version of themselves.  To think for themselves, to be compassionate, kind, generous, and big hearted.

That teaching isn’t always met with applaud from your kid!

I learnt a lot from my parents.  Resilience, grit, knowing that silence often ends an argument quicker than sound.

Also that the love of parents is beautiful.  Untainted.  Pure.

Son, you will have many teachers in your life.  Your friends, your school teachers, your spiritual teachers and peers.

Remember your first teachers.  Your parents.

I hope that we teach you that kindness is a necessity in this world, not a luxury.  This world needs it more than ever.

I hope that we teach you that compassion is the key to an enlarged life.  Being there for others doesn’t detract from your time or your “busy schedule”, but it adds value to it.

I hope that we teach you that remembering that everything we do, we do for you.  We will try to be the best examples of joy, fun, kindness, compassion, empathy, spirituality. Everything we do, we do out of love for you.

You will completely understand it when you have your own.

The well placed F-Bomb.

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So I’m not a huge fan of foul language, (in front of children), but sometimes the little things can really annoy the sht out of you at times. One such time was a couple of nights ago when my phone decided to play silly buggers and not connect to the Wi-Fi at home. The story of what happens next will crack you up…

Its late in the evening, and I’m about to take my son for his bath.  I decide that some music is in order because, well why not, and go to get my phone from the kitchen where it was sat charging.  I had left it for about 40 minutes or so, and it had only picked up about 10% charge which was infuriating, as Sid’s bath would take at least 8% of the charge.

Anyway I realise that it is also not connected to the Wi-Fi and so I turn the Wi-Fi on on the phone, and wait.  And wait.  And wait.

By this time I’m seriously hacked off and under my breath, seeing that my son is now buzzing around me I mutter “why the fk isn’t the phone connecting to the Wi-Fi?!?!?!”. He was about a metre away from me and I immediately realised I had said those magic words a little too loudly.  He suddenly stopped what he was doing, stared me right in the eye and said “Daddy don’t say that. Don’t say fk. It’s not nice to say it. Instead say .. Hmm (looks at his book of planes) instead say helicopter.”

I was both amazed and mortified at the same time.

I wanted to swing my genius son around and at the same time cut off my tongue for using such profane language in front of my angel with horns child.

There was an itching curiosity within me as I rested that evening.

How did my son, my 2 year old, whom we never swear in front of, know that fk is such a bad swear word?  No-one told him, and certainly not me.  I wondered – did my son realise that my frustration, linked to the extremely well placed F-Bomb meant that the word I used was a naughty word?  Or has someone secretly been teaching my son things to just wind me up?

I did a very crude experiment with him the next morning.  I pretended to get really angry and shouted out “What the chin!?!?!” – and lo and behold – he stopped what he was doing (eating) and said – “Daddy – don’t say Chin.  It’s not nice”.

Could it be that children are that more sensitive to the way we say things compared to what we say?

If it is so, then it is both sentiment, emotion, AND language that has an impact on a child.

This relates quite nicely to what we hear about communication and arguments – most of the time arguments occur not be cause of what we say – but because of how we say it.

It seems like this is not a learned construct – It’s almost innate and we know what this “feeling” of negativity is, from a very young age.

If there’s anything I have learnt from this experience, that is to never underestimate 2 things.

  1. The value of a well placed F-Bomb
  2. The ability of your child at such a young age to pick up on emotion, more than the words.

Summer Holidays.. Uh oh!

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OK so it’s that time of the year. That dreaded time of the year, when parents look to their diaries (and wallets/purses) to plan out activities for their kids, who are now let loose from their restraints of school, and free to roam the world and drag their parents along with them.

Sid is only 2 at the moment, and so my experience of this is quite limited. Much to my satisfaction I must say.  That said, he is a very demanding and inquisitive child and always wants things to do to entertain him.

I have found that off all his toys, from the least to the most expensive, his favourite toy is his £2 bubble-gun.

I don’t quite know what it is with kids and bubbles, but my God, Sid loves them.

So over the past 6-8 months, Sang and I have found a few things that are just superb for kids, that don’t quite cost a lot of money, yet provide hours of fun (depending on the age of the little one)

The best we have found for kids up to about 6/7 years old is our local farm, or a local farm.

They are free to get into, have lots of animals in enclosures, and plenty of fresh food to buy.  One of my favourite ones is Lizzies Farm and Tea Room in Worcester.

I was taken here by my wife as part of my first fathers day present from Sid, and what an event.  It was his visit to a farm, and he was overjoyed at the sight of the lambs, rabbits and the giant bovine.

And what was great for me and the Mrs, they had a lovely little tea room, serving fresh cakes (and what a selection!) and home made sarnies, with fresh pickle, all home made.

Details can be found on their facebook page https://www.facebook.com/pages/Lizzies-Farm-Tea-Room/471481752954768


Find a local farm, support your local producers, and have fun!

Fatigue, and the 2 year old

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We came back from Canada over a week ago, and getting back into a routine is as painful as listening to Jazzy B’s new track..

My son, on the other hand has a whole different level of energy and his body clock is all over the shop. Only today has decided to sleep at 7.45pm, which means that I can get on with the chores, and get a little downtime from work.

I remember during the early months of Sid being around and the pain of fatigue that still plagues my mind to this day.

I have never experienced anything quite like it before or after.

But that said- after 2 weeks in Canada, my son must be feeling a lot worse that us. He can’t comprehend what’s happening to his body clock, mood or his eating.

My advice to parents travelling through time zones isn’t full of supporting evidence or backed by science, but it just my take on the deal.

  1. Drink plenty of water before your flight and during– no one likes a whiny parent least of all your kid and you’ll get really crabby if you’re not hydrated.
  2. Kids on plane– they should make a movie about it. It would be a number 1 hit. Sid was great but he got a cold the day we travelled and so he was winging the whole way but for 3 days he was really ill and not eating. Just keep fluids for the little one- and don’t forget the calpol or nurofen for the plane!
  3. If you book the front seats above the bulkhead– remember that the seat armrests don’t move up to turn the seats into a bench, which is a really useful thing for kids sleeping.
  4. If you have friends travelling with you – let them know they will be alternative baby sitters. This will really help you get rested before you handle the jet lag
  5. Set your clock half way to the time zone you’re travelling to before you take off. That will help you settle down and adjust. Remember- kids are greatly impacted by this more than adults.
  6. When you land, your phone might already adjust its time to the country  you land in. Keep an analogue watch to your home time zone. That will help you understand your child’s pattern. It was 3pm when we landed in Toronto, but for my son it was 10am so snack time and due for nap time. He should have slept on the flight but didn’t so his clock was really messed.
  7. Keep inflatable pillows for the journey. They are invaluable for resting if you’re delayed at the airports etc.
  8. Look out for airport pushchairs for toddlers. Toronto airport had these brilliant push chairs called “Transat Limo’s”. Dubai had regular pushchairs, but places like gatwick didn’t have anything.
  9. Take a harness. We were gifted a little rucksack that had a harness on it and it came in handy when you need to put your child down!

Most of all- try and have fun. Kids like all parents know, are really sensitive to emotions of parents. When we stress, they get anxious. Smile lots and they will be fine.

My mantra with Sid is – laughter is the best medicine.

Case #3 heart vs mind – to have a second child?

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Last night in told my wife how lucky we are that Sid sleeps through the night, and that we get to at least have some time to ourselves from around 7.30.
I was at that point immediately flooded with the emotional trauma and painful memories of the nights that Sid was up, through the night, and the constant battle with fatigue for about 7 months.

I was also reminded of all the graft during the days- all the food prep, the milk, dinners, house tidying, nappies, buying formula at 10pm from the co-op, eating crap takeaway at 11pm in between Sid falling asleep and then waking up again. Just so many memories.

And funnily enough, they’re all negative ones.
When did I move from loving my son, to just having bad memories and trauma from his early months?

What about the first time he said “hello”? Or the first time he grabbed my finger? Or the first time he crawled and then walked? Or the first time he said baba or muma?

Of all the beautiful memories, the ones that are more prominent in my mind are the negative ones.  And these come out, when I’m thinking about whether or not to have a second one.

On a purely selfish note, I wouldn’t want one. I think it would be an absolute game changer if we did.

But in my heart I feel that Sid needs a sibling or two. The world can be a lonely place and you always need family.

So I have this dialogue within myself about whether to have a second child, it’s primarily between my heart and my brain.

It’s triggered pretty much everytime I see a newborn, or smell baby lotion, or see sid’s baby photos (damn this ridiculous amount of hormones in my system!)

It goes like this

Heart: ahhhh isn’t that an adorable baby…? I remember how Sid was at that age so adorable and …

Brain: dude are you high?

Heart: NOOO… but Sid smelled so nice,and he was so cuddly

Brain: Stop smoking your socks dude…
Heart: Hey you know what’s a good idea?

Brain: Sleep?

Heart: No… I think I want to have another one…

Brain: High as a kite …

Heart: but don’t you think Sid needs a sibling? Someone to play with, to cuddle, to look to for friendship? What happens when we aren’t here?

Brain: hmmm

Heart: I’m telling you… We need a 4th musketeer..
Brain: you remember the movie right? Remember how much of a pain d’artanegn was to the 3 musketeer? He was an ass…!

Heart: but he made them cool…
Brain: meh!

Heart: let’s consider this… Remember how much fun we had making Sid…??
Brain:…
Heart: Dude …

Brain:…

Heart:GET YOUR HEAD TOGETHER MAN!
Brain: sorry … Good times… 😉
Heart: let’s give it some feeling … Have some hommones…!
Brain: dopamine? Serotonin?
Heart… You know I’m right … And you know I’ll win …

Swearing infront of your child- how to get away with it.

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From the day Sid was born, I’ve been telling him, on a daily basis, that I love him. Verbally about 20-30 times without fail. 

 At 3 months old he repeated me saying “hello” to him, which was beautiful and we managed to capture it in this video 

http://youtu.be/DVp5N3_f3iY

It didn’t take much for him to mimic me saying hello to him, but saying “I love you” seemed to be his kryptonite. 

He randomly now repeats words that we use and throws them back at us.. I get him calling his mum “Shangeeee” or “dhaaaliin” which is really sweet. 

So how do I get away with the occasional profanity? 

So I was getting changed in Sangs dressing room and dropped the moisturiser on the floor. I was already rushed and a little stressed and accidentally used the S word. 

Not realising Sid was say behind me on the floor he repeated me and said “oh sit”…

Sangs expression and my amazement were to be captured. 

I couldn’t get the little monkey to say I love you despite the thousands of times I’ve said it to him, but the one time I swear infront of him and that’s what he repeats?!?!

So how do I get away with expressing myself without him using he same words in public?

You could say to me “Vish it’s not polite to swear anyway- try stopping.. ” 

Well bollox to that. 

How do we get away with it…!??

I figured that the best way to do it, is to find an alternative. 

For example “Oh Duck!” For the obvious, or “come on mate!” instead of “learn how to drive you jackass”

I ask you all, parents and non parents- what are good alternative swear words ?

10 things only sleep deprived parents will feel

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Sleep deprivation is torture on every level. I understand why it is used as a torture mechanism by governments. It hurts physically and mentally. 

  Being a parent is an awesome job and I wouldn’t give it up for the world. I love my son and I love how my wife has evolved into a mum, and seeing her transition into this role has been beautiful. 

I mean, she’s still my drop dead smoking hot wife, but she’s an awesome mum to our son too. 

It wasn’t all plain sailing though. 

As we chose to breast feed Sid, getting rest was one thing that was a real struggle. Sid had a huge appetite and was hungrier at night.

We didn’t plan for this, nor the effect (obscenely detrimental effect) this would have on us. 

We went through 10 months of Sid being a rough sleeper of which the first 5 he was up about 10-20 times a night. That eased off to about 8times a night and then by 8 months he was up 4 times a night. You can see where I’m going with this. 

By month 1 I looked like this. 

 
And felt 10 times worse. 

So without going into details of what we did to manage this … I thought I’d list a few things that we experienced during this time and things to warn future parents of.

  1. Slurred speech. Ever remember trying to get out a sentence in a coherent manner to your work colleagues to sound vaguely intelligent after having a glass or two of wine? Well this is the first phase of delerium. Only it doesn’t wear off. You only know shit’s got wierd when you ask your work colleague to hold you up in case you fall over a desk you didn’t know you were standing on, wearing trousers that don’t match your suit jacket. 
  2. Waking up in the middle of a conference call you started at work and wondered where everyone was, then realising you weren’t on a conference call, you’re not at work, your phone is just stuck to the side of your face. 
  3. Desi parents will always try and bring food over just to play with the baby and when you explicitly say “don’t wake the baby” you shout at them for waking the baby with their overly loud questioning at the front door “Sid asleep!!??” 
  4. Getting random bruises from walking into things that you knew perfectly well were there but on this drunken state, may as well be invisible. 
  5. Walking into the the microwave door whilst it was wide open head first forgetting that 10 seconds ago you left it open yourself 
  6. Sleeping together no longer means “getting lucky” it literally means falling asleep together. Sex is no longer on the menu. Sleep is the dish of the day. Any day. 
  7. Having one partner that is responsible for putting the baby to sleep means we’re literally ducked if that partner is away for a night. 
  8. Slapping yourself in the face just to get through drinking your first cup of coffee. After the first one you’re not so bad. 
  9. Regretting not using protection. Having suffered with sleep deprivation for months it was always a niggle in the back of my mind. What if?  I would be sound asleep and happy. Instead, I have the antichrist as a child at night. 
  10. You’ve used shaving gel for toothpaste. Only happens 4 or 5 times 
  11. You fall asleep taking a number 2 which started as a number 1 only it moved in that direction. 
  12. Stubbing your toes on anything while picking up/putting the baby to sleep and then cursing the baby. 
  13. Getting to 13 points in this list and while forgetting that you only wanted 10

Yes people sleep deprivation from having kids is real and it will f you up hard. But honestly it is worth it. 

After the first 12 months, unless you decide to have another one. Then you only have yourself to blame. 

Crap that people say to pregnant women (and their husbands)

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You know when parents say that they fell in love with their child the moment they saw him/her? They’re like “aww it was love at first sight” or “it was magical” and so on …  
Not us … Well not immediately. 

You see when Sid was born, I mean like the 10 seconds after he was lifted above the operating covers for me and sang to see, and for me to reveal the sex of my child to my wife (cos that was too much to do for the surgeon), I think our immediate response was “WHAT IN GODS NAME IS THAT!!???”

Followed by a silent ..”PUT THAT BACK AND BRING ME OUT MY CHILD!!!”

 He was long, covered in dark brown muck (muconium apparently) and almost alien like. 

It wasn’t until he was cleaned up by the nurse did I really see how beautiful, pure and gorgeous he was. He was a little angel. A little beige angel.

I fell in love with him when i could smell that ‘new baby smell’ that they should bottle up and sell.. And that love lasts to this day..

See we went through a mad journey filled with hyperemesis, SPD, house build, decoration, 2 trips abroad (Canada at 14 weeks and india at 20) and we got a lot of advice, mostly unsolicited from all angles. 
We had 9 months of listening to some rather interesting guidance from people (listened to – not acted upon) who put rationalised their arguments in an almost scientific manner. 

We got everything from “how best to get pregnant” to “how to make sure your child is fair skinned”. Basically from the ridiculous, to the just down right stupid.

Most of the superstitions and commentary that I came across were to do with “how to make sure your baby is white and fair”. Honestly if we had a white baby there would be some serious chuffing questions to be answered in my household!!!

The irony of it all, is that its Asians that project these superstitions to other Asians… like it wasn’t enough to have an India free of Empirical Rule, but we now demand to have white babies now too? 

I’m not sure where this fascination with fair skin has come from, and this obsession that the world (and by world, I mean Indian desi mothers) has with fair skin = beautiful. What is the cultural bias that Indians have towards fair skin? (see number 1 and 2 below). 

India is a country full of brown skinned people, who have varying degrees of skin tone from very fair, to really dark skin, basically 50 shades of brown. So when someone said to my wife, “keep a picture of a white baby in your bedroom and your baby will turn out white” I had to give them the ‘WTF’ glare and then share the comment with the whole world.

Here are some of the nonsense comments perpetuated by seemingly intelligent and educated people from the Indian subcontinent (and some from around the world in general).

  1. Drink milk and your baby will be fair skinned.- unless you’re lactose intolerant. Like you need to have more gas seriously!Keep a photo of picture of a fair skinned baby and look at it everyday and you will have a white baby. – Makes ZERO sense to me (or anyone else ive met) We didn’t, and Sid was born very fair skinned… mainly due to the amniotic fluid leftover on his skin.
  2. Eat greasy food will help you push the baby out – Now this one was just crap.. Eating greasy food would just give you heartburn, and high cholesterol, which is the last thing a pregnant woman would need!
  3. When the baby is born, put a little black mark on the baby’s forehead to ward off the “evil eye” – NO! All you do is dirty a baby’s head and expose it to germs. 
  4. My personal favourite – and I witnessed it a little so im surprised it’s a superstition – A baby will be more restless during a full moon, and not sleep properly until he is a little older. I felt Sid was more active during the full moon nights – which tbh were just like any other night – just Sid waking up 8 times and crying his head off..
  5. Wait until the baby is born before making the nursery – LIKE I’LL HAVE THE TIME!!! It look 3 of us 1 whole day without distractions to make all the furniture, and decorate the room. Nah ha. No way. Take the appropriate opportunity and get it out of theway. Baby needs to be in his own bed as soon as he can!!
  6. At an antenatal appt, a friend asked the midwife when her genetic results would be back.. The midwife turned around and said “don’t you worry about the results hun, just blossom and bloom!” Nice and clear … 

The whole obsession with unsolicited advice for during pregnancy wasn’t anywhere as frustrating as the advice we got given when Sid was born.. But I’ll share that another time…

4 Tips for prenatal bonding for dads- how to get involved after your work is done

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So you’re pregnant!! 

Well, not you per se, but you other half is. 

     
 And as dads, we get considered the accessory to all of this. The number of times I got ignored and pushed aside while people flocked to Wifey to say “wow aren’t you blossoming?” Was met with a number of stern looks from me and my casual response of “well I actually did most of the hard work but whatever” (rolling eyes emoticon). I had another 9 months of this. 

Now for the next 9 months you may be wondering what to do when you’re not building the nursery, or panicking if you’re going to be a good dad, or dealing with the surge of emotions (hers) and so on. 

But for me (like other dads) this was an incredible journey. 

I was able to witness the creation of life and the development of my unborn child in all its glory. Without having to actually have the morning sickness, or the mood swings, or the swollen ankles.

  We tracked the development of Sid using an app called babybump, and it was great. Week by week I took photos of Sang and tracked her development up till his arrival. 

This is about as much as most guys I’ve spoken to get involved. For me,this wasn’t enough. I often think that mums to be get the opportunity to develop a unique bond with their child, way before it pops out. They get to feel the baby and talk to the baby, they share a heart beat, and other bodily fluids. 

But dads, it feels like we kind of sit there twiddling our thumbs before we can connect to the baby, which happens after its out in this world, and at this time you’re fighting off all other relatives to get time with him…

Me, well my family say that I’ve been broody since the age of 19 (probably true) and so this journey was one waited for patiently and I wanted to get connected to Sid as soon as possible.

I thought I’d list a few things that I would do, every evening, to connect with Sang and the growing baby, to develop a bond as a prenatal family. 

These things kept me close to her, and I feel gave me a great connection to Sid before he arrived in June ’14. 

  1. Listen to the bump. Every evening I would stick my ear to Sangs abdomen to try and hear the baby swishing around. More often than not, especially for the first few months, I just got Sangs sloshing tummy thanks to her hyperemesis (a whole other blog). But as the foetus developed, i would get the occasional punch or kick from Sid- probably won’t to my weighty head resting on him too much. 
  2. Talk to the bump, really close up. Sid was a great listener. I did at times feel a little stupid talking to him, but being able to tell him about the outside world, how beautiful his mummy is, and let him hear another voice was a great feeling. For me it was a connection to him that I developed over time and I think it explains why he doesn’t bother listening to me now! 
  3. Mozart for babies. We found a great piece of music, about 2 hours long written by Mozart, on YouTube. It was a sleep remedy for me and sang and also something for Sid to hear over my snoring. Apparently Classical music is great for a foetus’ development. 
  4. Importantly – and this is especially useful for the mum- massage cream onto the bump every night and every morning. We used a Sanctuary Spa cream developed for mums in the evening which was loaded with collagen, and a tummy oil by the same people in the morning and after showers etc. I get a lot of praise from Wifey for doing that – not a single stretch mark from the pregnancy. Aside from the obvious benefit, massaging is a sure fire way to build a bond with mum and baby. Lots of kisses and hugs kept the love flowing. 

    So this was one part of my journey with Sang and Sid. It was a journey worthwhile.