Tag Archives: thanks

Service With a Smile

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“Whenever the zikhar of Sewa is mentioned, Basant ji, your name will be there.”

My mum’s closest friend, and adopted elder sister, my Kamlesh Aunty shared these words with us all in side room 1 of ward A8, as my darling mum took her last breath.

Mum had an obsession to serve. She put others at the heart of everything she did. She lived and breathed service to others. She was filled with this love of giving, and she made it central to her existence.

Mum was the epitome of service with a smile. She became The UK’s first sisters volunteer lead for the West Midlands Volunteers in 2005 with the blessings of Baba Hardev Singh Ji. Absolutely aware of the weight of the responsibility now on her shoulders, she kept her motivation the same as it was always. To serve with love. This she did to her last breath.

Within the art of Sewa is a spirit of selflessness. She didn’t think of it as that exactly. She thought of it as unconditional love. The act of giving with the purest love, like a parent to a child, she served.

Kamlesh Aunty shared a story with us, that I had never heard, and which made me understand mum a little bit more.

When mum was expecting my youngest sister, she was really scared of having to tell her mum. She confided in my aunt who shared with us, that mum was worried that nan would tell her off!

She thought that nan would say “you have 2 children already, when are you going to have time to carry out your sewa and the service of the sangat if you spend too much time raising a family?” – and this expectation and fear really worried mum. 

Anyway, when Nav was born in ’86, my nan came to visit and live with us for a while. It was this year that nan had seen what mum’s life in the UK was really like, how the family were, the sangat here, and her friends. And she was quite surprised!

Nan noticed that the house was really quite compared to the hustle and bustle of Saharanpur bhawan where she lived a congregation space of sangat every day, devotees visiting 2-3 times a day, and never a quiet moment, visiting homes of devotees to share in their joy and sorrow.

It was at this point that my nan had said that mum’s life needed a spirituality boost – now is time to start a ladies congregation. 

And so it was born. 

Out of my nan’s blessing, from our little home in Wolverhampton, following my little sister’s arrival into the world, that he ladies sangat started.

And 38 years later, it’s still going.

He’s finally talking.

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Sid has taken the loss of his daddima really hard.

He’s not much of a talker when it comes to what he is feeling but yesterday (Sunday 4th Feb) he took out the iPad and started to create a list for all of us to complete about mums qualities and funny moments.

Here’s what he writes

“when I’d have a sleepover with her, I’d always go right to the corner [of the bed] as it was hot in the bedroom so I could get out of bed if I felt too hot but she’d always pull me back into the middle of the bed and would say that it’s to dangerous in case I fell.

That constant sense of caring that she always had was amazing. I thought nothing could compare with her sewa but this almost beats it!”

He’s healing slowly. But he’s healing.

Gratitude Personified

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“…Shukar, shukar, shukar.. chullo, let’s go”

Gratitude.

This is what screams out to me from mums life. She was always so grateful for everything.

She never complained about not having enough, and made sure we didn’t grow up entitled. She took every thing as a blessing.

How she was raised, reflected in how she lived.

She saw the opportunity to serve, to give, and to be thankful for each moment.

There’s a beautiful video of mum where she gives us an insight into how she was raised in the beautiful little city of Saharanpur in India.

Losing her dad at the age of about 5/6 years old, and then being raised by a single mum in India with 2 other sisters, in an ultra conservative environment and very little resources to their disposal, I honestly have no idea how she survived, let alone thrived.

It made her who she was. It made her instil that within us. 

One of her favourite songs which I loved hearing her sing was “Kiddha karan me shukariya, dathaar there ehsaan da”, and it was a song that would go on to become part and parcel of her life. 

There is a line within this song

“Tu bakshi hai menu zindagi, meh kyu na kara teri bandagi?”

You have granted me this life, why would I not praise you?

Tu mareez raazi karditheh jithe nuskaa na chaleya lukmaan da”

You have healed where a doctors medicine has failed”

I remember when she was diagnosed with cancer in 2016/17, she kept saying that “don’t worry. There is still lots more to do, so much more service to give”. It was that purposeful giving that gave her motivation, energy, focus to remain healthy and keep giving.

If you ask me, it was during that year that mum had died and was then reborn into a new woman, with a renewed zeal and energy to give.

And it felt like we had a new mum!!

There was this one incident, that my niece Tania recalled;

While sat with Queen B for her first chemo, the nurse put the cannula in and started discussing the schedules for her treatment, initially the nurse said she would have the chemo at the end of the week, to which Queen B said “‘”would I feel the full side effects by Sunday though?”
To which the nurse replies “Yes”
So being the queen she is, aunty then said, could I have my chemo on Mondays instead so I have the week to recover and I can still do my sewa?

The nurse in me was like OMG but then my heart and soul realised just how pure she is and her soul breathed for selfless service, we did nimaskar to each other and did simran as the chemo commenced. In all my years of nursing I have never seen such courage and bravery in someone always wanting to give to everyone else.

Mum was the epitome of gratitude, and within that gratitude, the epitome of giving.

Being able to be like this is an art.

And she was the Da Vinci.

She rose above her physical experience, became the spiritual being, and just had the human experience.

Kya jeevan mum, kya bhagti…

Near Life Experience

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It was about 6pm on a rainy day in late November, early December when I got a call from mums consultant following her diagnosis for cancer.

It wasn’t good.

“Rip the band aid off please and just tell me as it is” I said.

“Your mum is very poorly. It doesn’t look good. And we will do what we can, but she can’t be cured.”

I distinctly remember the car journey from the North, I think it was either Leeds or Warrington where I was on multiple projects at the time.

He told me, in that winter evening in 2016, that my beautiful, full of life, mum, who was always there for others has stage four lymph node, liver and breast cancer.

And for that moment, in that traffic jam by the M6, sat with the river of white and red lights around me, he said “Your mum is very poorly. It doesn’t look good. And we will do what we can, but she can’t be cured.”

With that, my world came to a proverbial standstill.

I remember the distinct feeling I got from mum when she and I talked about it. She was both scared and defiant at the same time.

It was only once that she broke down, the anger and intense confusion in her, standing in the kitchen making dinner.. the look of just utter disbelief – “why me??? I never smoked, drank alcohol, ate lots of meat… why is it me???”

I couldn’t console her … all I know is that at that time, I gave her a huge hug, and felt her khichari of emotions.

That was the only time she showed that frustration.

It was onwards from there.

She made each day count. No day went by with her in any form of self pity. Even during the really rough chemo days, the surgeries, the radiotherapies … each day was celebrated.

7 years. 7 beautiful years she gave us, or should I say, God gave us through her.

She made sure that she ate well, gave up eating junk, kept a clean diet with oat milk, gluten free, low sugar, good fats and plenty of exercise. This, with her relentless drive for sewa, kept her focussed with a sense of dutiful purpose.

It took 7 years for her to get us to a point where we would be strong enough, in a good enough place, having spent enough time with her grandson Sid, and seeing her youngest daughter married and being there to deliver her baby boy… for her to feel like “Yes. My work here is done”

But it never feels done. There’s always the next thing. always the next family milestone.

And for those, we will miss her always ❤️

Things l’d like my Son to know 

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Things I want my son to know. Lesson #12 – Have Courage, But don’t be afraid to cry.

“Big Boys Dont Cry”is something I used to hear a lot when I was growing up.

When I was 22, my granddad died peacefully in his sleep. He was someone I loved so much, someone who taught me the art of DIY, allowed me to drive his cars all the time, sit with him and play with him.

I remember getting the news at about 3am when I heard the house phone ring, and I immediately sensed he was gone, and it was confirmed by my mum’s crying. I jumped up in bed and burst into tears. My dad walked past, knocked on the door and saw me crying and said “Let it out now, but be strong when you get to the house” but there was no time. Granddad lived 3 doors from us, so I quickly got changed and had to dry my eyes and “be strong” for my family. Continue reading →

Things I’d Like my Son to Know. 

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Lesson #11- You are You in Everybody.

The golden rule; “Treat others how you too wish to be treated.”

The age old saying of treating others how you wish to be treated was one that I was taught many years ago.  It underpins cohesion and almost subtly enforced a social contract that I see you as someone with the shared values as I have and therefore will treat you as I expect to be treated.  Continue reading →

Things I’d Like my Son to Know

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Lesson 9 – Sometimes you just need “Me-Time”

After a tiring evening putting my son to bed I realised that in the past 3 months, i’ve not taken time out to go for a walk.  It was a bout 8pm and I was getting to that agitated point in my day where I felt as though I needed to expend some energy before I rest my head.

As I grabbed by jacket, keys and phone (for emergency) and exited the door and down the street, I realised I had left my prized partner at home – my wife.  For once, in a very long time, I was doing something that I wanted to do, that was just about me and fresh air (as much as can be had in the suburbs of the UK) and I was actually glad for the time to myself. Continue reading →